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We spent about ten minutes Googling diners near us today, and we need you guys to recommend some places because we’ve been to so many of the top results already.  In any case, we found Mac’s Diner in Schuylerville, plugged it into the GPS, and hit the road around 10:30am. It only took us a half hour to get there, but it felt like days because I was desperately in need of some coffee and food.

We got to Broad Street in Schuylerville (east of Saratoga, if you’re like me and don’t know geography), and parked in front of the neighboring business, Badger’s Cigar Den. We walked into Mac’s Diner and were greeted with a “sit anywhere you like,” so we chose a booth by the window. One of the people working there handed us menus and took our drink orders. So we perused the menus… and as it turns out,  I can do one of the following things at Mac’s Diner on a Sunday:
a. order a turkey sandwich
b. sell my grandmother’s ring
c. get an omelette at noon

Hint:

To make matters worse, here are some shots of the menu. Good luck deciphering what the hell is going on here:

Perhaps the most cringe-worthy grammar I’ve seen on a menu to date.

The list of daily specials was pretty typical of a diner, handwritten on a white board too small for most of the restaurant to see, with a friendly reiteration of their “no lunch on Sundays” rule:

We received our coffees and water, and checked out the wildly varied decor.

One wall was brick, one had some elderly wallpaper, and another wall had a dark seafoam green paint. It looked like the three little pigs came in and each chose a wall to decorate. There were various paintings haphazardly hung on the left hand wall, a mix of cherubic children and bored Renaissance-era women, plus landscapes and creepy-looking buildings. On the back wall above the kitchen was a whole slew of vintage license plates, which are usually used as decor in antique stores or Applebee’s. There were snarky signs throughout the place and military memorabilia.

We didn’t have to wait more than ten minutes for our food, which wasn’t surprising because there were six people working and maybe five tables occupied by local patrons. I went with the Eggs Benedict Special, which came with home fries and optional onions, and I was assured that there was no salt on the potatoes.

Matt ordered French toast, scrambled eggs, sausage patties and a side of corned beef hash.

Being quite hungry, I tasted the potatoes, which were disgustingly salty. The onions were a browned mess on top of them, and I’m guessing the conversation about these particular onions went as such:
Person 1: Dude, do you think we should get rid of this French Onion Soup? It’s been in the fridge for a month.
Person 2: Yeah, man, throw it away. Oooh, but first, dig out the onions. We’ll put ’em on the homefries.

The eggs in my Benedict were over-poached, but somehow were the most edible part of my meal. The rest was a salty mess. I ate the eggs and that was about it. Matt’s French toast had no flavor, and the scrambled eggs somehow didn’t taste like eggs. The corned beef hash was a dead ringer for canned Hormel, and the sausage patties were below average. The coffee, which we rate a 3 out of 5, was watery and didn’t leave a good taste in our mouths. With a strong taste of old pipes, the water was a 2. The ketchup, which was in a Heinz bottle, tasted vinegary and not like Heinz at all. There was nothing in the condiment selection that would have made any of our food better.

Overall, the food was a 1, because it was what some might call “edible.” The seating was average in comfort, booths were spacious enough and the tables were at a good height.  Mac’s wasn’t particularly busy, and so half the staff spent a lot of time starting out the windows or scanning the dining area. Service is rated a 3 because the waitress was nice but didn’t seem all that interested in what she was doing or the conversations we had with her.

The dinerness rating, which is typically based on the appearance, atmosphere, and waitstaff, is a 2 for Mac’s Diner. They have “diner” in the name, but there was no chrome in the dining area, no black and white tiled floor, no mirrors (except perhaps existential ones), and no waitresses that have been there since the dawn of time.

Open daily from 7am-2pm except on Sundays when they’re open 7am-1pm but serving only breakfast and only serving omelettes until 11:30am but not open on Wednesdays, Mac’s Diner is what the auto industry would call a “total loss.” Prices are average, food is below average, and there is a $10 minimum for credit cards. Cleanliness is average, and they portray themselves as family-friendly but only have one menu item for children. We wouldn’t go back there and don’t recommend it.

“Mac’s Diner, by any other name, would still disappoint as much.”

Shakespeare

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